It is well known that the MTV Movie Awards are the single most important celebration of the art and grandeur of film that we currently enjoy as a modern society. It's simply an honor just to be nominated, and anyone who comes away with a MOONMAN can finally answer that evergreen dinner party question "So what do you do?" with a proud and confident "I am an artist." Of course, it's not simply a recognition of groundbreaking artistry, craft, and innovation it's also OK, I can't do this anymore. The MTV Movie Awards are a ridiculous pile of shit. Who cares? How is this even on TV anymore? I'm pretty sure teenagers will not look up from their phones for this thing. (As a sidenote: my favorite MTV Movie Award moment in history is probably when Salt was nominated for Best Action Movie a solid month before it was even released in theaters but let's get back to business.) The categories for the 2012 MTV Movie Awards have been announced and there are some exciting new additions to the roster that has long included BEST KISS as a REAL AWARD that SOMEONE WINS. ("Hey, Cameron Diaz, congratulations on your Best Kiss Moonman" is a sentence that a living human being has probably heard in his or her lifetime and that's the world we live in and that's the peace we have to make.) The categories include:
- “Movie of the Year”
- “Best Female Performance”
- “Best Male Performance”
- “Breakthrough Performance”
- “Best Comedic Performance”
- “Best Music”*
- “Best On-Screen Transformation”*
- “Best Gut-Wrenching Performance”*
- “Best Kiss”
- “Best Fight”
- “Best Cast”*
- “Best On-Screen Dirt Bag”*
* New category
BEST GUT-WRENCHING PERFORMANCE! This used to simply be known as "best performance" but then people were like I wouldn't call The Rock's performance in Tooth Fairy GUT-WRENCHING but he's obviously got a lock on Best Male Performance so we need an additional category to help us celebrate the exceptional work of Taylor Lautner in Abducted. Do you guys ever worry that the MTV Movie Awards are TOO meaningful and TOO respectful of the very medium they're purportedly celebrating? ANYWAY: let's make up our own stupid MTV Movie Awards categories. My guess is that they will probably basically sound like real categories and not even be funny it will just be like "Are you absolutely sure that Best Butt Double In A Comedy/Musical isn't already a thing?" Here are some suggestions:
- Best Mountain Dew Code Red Product Placement
- Best Pantomime of Jerking Off in a Jonah Hill Movie
- Best Professional Athlete Cameo
- Best Female Use Of Swearing
- Best Extraneous Male Taking His Shirt Off For No Explainable Reason
- Best Supernatural Thing
- Most Sexting
- The Lifetime XBOX Award For Achievement In XBOX 360
- The Red Bull Award
- Best Salt
All of them presented by your host: Jason Mraz! (Via Movieline.)
